Life, lately

Lately, life has been really hard.

The truth is, life is hard for so many of us right now. The state of the world, still recovering from the pandemic, the list of worries is endless. . .

But this hard is a bit closer to home. Family issues that are not yet my story to share, but that have affected me profoundly. And deeply. I’m feeling unmoored. And while I usually would turn to stitching to anchor me, to steady me, I find that I do not have the luxury of time or the brain space to even steal a few minutes for doing so.

Because strangely, even in the face of crisis, the world still goes on. How dare it?

School is in session daily, soccer practices and soccer tournaments are still held. Guidance counselor meetings and doctors appointments, scheduled car maintenance, bills to pay, and cleaning the house all still have to get done. Laundry, dinner, grocery shopping. It’s like the world doesn’t realize that it should just stop.

And so in these moments, where nothing feels like it matters, yet all of it somehow still matters, I’ve tried to find solace in the act of creating where I already have to be doing. In the kitchen, mostly. But also by performing small things that could rescue my brain even if only for a few moments. Starting seeds, editing videos from my car, writing in this space.

I want to be the kind of person that is consistent, even in the face of distraction and hardship. I often disappear when things get hard, because I am focusing on the other people in my life. For me, this space feels selfish. It’s mine. And how dare I put anything of mine first when others need me?

I’ve been told so many times that I can’t pour from an empty cup, but how can you refill when you’re not receiving anything to help you fill it up with?

And so I am trying my best to show up. Imperfectly as I do, lost as I sometimes feel, to be there. To be here. To be something. To make something, even if only a bite and then it is gone.